stepping out of the box.

I live in a small town. A small town where in order to keep things fresh, you invent your own little games... . Last night is a prime example.

Pull up to a red light..me leaned back in the drivers seat, janelle driving from the passanger seat..telling me when to slow down and speed up. This is our first game. A car than pulls up beside us wanting to race... laughing we try. but suck.

As the night continues, we drift around town..playing tag with this unfamilar car..filled with three good looking guys. Who are older. And aware of our game. And enjoying. Almost as much as we are. haha...we continue..we almost die a few times due to my terrible driving, but the guys are still impressed "I've never seen any girl in this town even Attempt to drift..." one of them say...haha. Thanx : ) I feel awesome now. Janelle and I are awesome. Feeling good.

We talk...but don't give out our numbers...until we are driving...and are stoped beside eachother...than i stick it out the window..they role down theirs..( haha rolll down window..oldschool man) and take the crumpled piece of paper..embarrassed we drive away. They PHONE!!!!.. haha "Who are the numbers for?" ....pause...i hadn't thought this far haha...and neither had janelle...so we say we don't know... both having someone in mind..to shy to say it... "well i guess we'll just have to auction them off than" the boy says on the other end...Matt i now know his name is. Too funny.

IT was a good night...we drove around for like...3 hours? ..maybe even more... got their facebook...numbers... names.... haha.

we also went to the jam space which we have never done befoore.... mind you..we gave 4 drunk guys a ride there..but that is besides the point.. haha. it was still fun....

so needless to say.... last night.. i stepped out of the box. haha.

Fake smiles all around.

I hate it when people are fake. When they pretend the world is fantastic when it's not. When they pretend to be someone happy, someone full of life, someone with meaning...someone fake. None of us are falling for your charade...so put us out of our misary. At family get togethers, its like everyone has had their share of fake smiles. Might as well go around with a tray, passing them out...everyone has one. And those who don't feel out of place, so pick one up. All trying to out do eachother. Is it worth it? Probably not. Does that stop them? no.

Why is it that we feel like an outcast within the "comfort" of our own family.

Isn't it rich?Are we a pair?Me here at last on the ground,You in mid-air.Send in the clowns.
Isn't it bliss? Don't you approve?One who keeps tearing around,One who can't move.Where are the clowns?Send in the clowns.
Just when I'd stoppedOpening doors,Finally knowingThe one that I wanted was yours,Making my entrance againWith my usual flair,Sure of my lines,No one is there.
Don't you love farce?My fault, I fear.I thought that you'd want what I want - Sorry, my dear.But where are the clowns?There ought to be clowns.Quick, send in the clowns.
What a surprise.Who could foreseeI'd come to feel about you What you'd felt about me?Why only now when i see That you'd drifted away?What a surprise.What a cliché.
Isn't it rich?Isn't it queer?Losing my timing this lateIn my career?And where are the clowns?Quick, send in the clowns.Don't bother - they're here.

Christmas time is here...

SO it's Christmas eve and i'm sitting here thinking..wow..it sure doesn't feel like christmas. Weird how we feel things. it FEELS like monday...when its wednesday.. it FEELS like you don't care..when you do...it FEELS like the computer hates me...when it doesn't even have feelings. Anyway tomorrow is the big day. I've done all my shopping, wrapped all the gifts. I've spent to much money, but who hasn't this holiday season? For me i think this is why it doesn't feel like christmas.

i miss our huge window with the tree in front..looking out onto our deck and the beautiful view...here there is a house in our view. Wonderful. I miss the huge tree in our neighbours yard that is a peice of heavenly art work in the winter..spring..summer.. and fall. Here we have 2 huge trees in our front yard that just sit there taking up space. I miss our neighbours comming over to see if i can come sleding...here our neighbors are old, fragile, and creepy. I miss the setting of our house. I miss my home. Now more than ever i think. I don't know why.

Memories. Memories are interesting as well.. how certain things trigger them..like smells or songs... for intstance..when i smell an elephant ear i think of Disney land...when i hear the song Deathbed by Relient K i think of Breakforth. When i hear that something is brown i think of Janelle. When i Laugh i think of my mom and how her laugh has graciously past down to me. A gift really. I love it. All though sometimes it is TOO loud and i get in trouble or embarrass my self..thats okayy..becasue it reminds me of her. Memories. Whats your First memory? I don't even know. My first Christmas memory, was in wymark. Sleeping under the tree. Opening ODYESSY's ... excitement... comfort.

Comfort. What is Comfort? A temperary feeling..or Permanent. seems like Temperary... you never know what is going on in this life. Random movements you don't expect.

I am Blessed with Good friends however, and for that I am thankfull. Sorry..this has been pointless... just me rambling on. well..its 145am so maybe i'll go to bed and write again in the morning...good night..


me

Prayer.

God give me strength to defend myself against the patterns of this world. Help me with words to say to those i don't wish to hurt. Give me wisdom when i just don't know what to do anymore, and help me rely on you forever. Lord i can't do this alone. I've tried, I've failed. Please God help me through today, tomorrow, forever until i stand beside you on your thrown. Lord i want you to look at me and smile. Say "child.. you have done well." so God give me the strength to live for you now... help me smile and not regret. Lord forgive me. I have done wrong, i know i have. I don't deserve your mercy, your forgiveness. But lord please. I'm so sorry. I've let you down, i've let myself down. Forgive me God. This is my plea.

thank you for your christmas gift to us. Your son.
i love you.

Amen.

i'm thinking of not thinking anymore.

I don't know what to think... I honestly just don't know....

i love you.
i hate you.
i can't stop thinking about you.
i miss you.
i can't stop thinking about how much you hurt me
what you did.
i love you.

*sigh*

for real? again? now? why? i don't get it. Can't we just not talk? ever? you changed? promise? how do i know? you said that last time. Forgiveness? of course. second chance? i just don't know.

but i do know..
i love you.
still.

Vacation

today is the last day of school!

...thought you all should know.

ps...Alison Comes home in like 4 days!!! WOOOT

a call out for christ

Dear God,

keep her safe. Keep me safe. Keep us safe. help us hold on. take my hand. i'm sinking. i don't want to be pulled under. help me out. i believe in you. i have faith. love me. hold me. smile with me. laugh with me. spend time with me. God i know your in every situation, every moment, every day. Thank you. Please don't leave...

me

Facebook status

I HATE FRICKEN TOP FRIEND STATUS"S!!! its like... haha.. wow.
kay..this is my beef.

People think its like..the biggest burn to remove someone from top friends...thats lame..cuase it's facebook. haha. Thats lame. wow. ya. .....hahaha...ouch...yes i'm terribly hurt. JUST KIDDING i could really care less....thats cool.whateves.

I"M OVER IT..
*but only cause i'm ninja and could like..ninja kick you if i wanted to* haha
just kidding.


Chantelle...if you read this....
I FRICKEN LOVE YOU TO DEATH!!!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! -thought you should know.
<3

me

Shakespeare says it best.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.

William Shakespeare

Judgment

So if i say shit once because i'm really angry. Will you judge me and not be my friend anymore because i said a 'bad' word? If i have a glass of wine to celebrate. Will you judge me and become only my acquaintence because drinking is so sinful? For one who says they hate people who judge quickly, that surprises me. but whatever. I'm over it.

Judgment is stupid don't you think? assuming things you don't even know. making thoughts and opionions without knowing the person first? Judging is lame. It makes you look dumb, and whoever your judging feel worse about themselves.

Highschool is stupid. I can't wait to get out, and leave these stupid situations behind.

I also hate when pepole have 5 diferent moods in 5 minutes. Who are you. Really. Choose. I'm done trying to be a good person and help in everyway i can. It's obvoiusly not worth it. and you obviously don't care.

Oliver

You'll notice I have a new pet. His name is Oliver, please be kind to him....feel free to click his forhead and make him roll in the mud...just be sure to water him off afterwards :)
He is a young pig...and very friendly.
I Love him dearly.


Julia.

Reality Check

Ever just have 'one of those days' ? Well i just experienced one of them...and must say am not to thrilled about it. Here's how it went down.

i was suppose to be at school by 730. I woke up at 8. Grumpily i ran out the door, into the school where i was confronted by an angry set of teens...trying to practice combo without the alto part. I quickly set my self up, only to start crying because i feel sick. I ran out of the room, tears flowing, only to arrive to the garbage just in time to nicely throw up directly into it. Because of fear, i return to combo practice. Jerrim , along with the other 4 people in combo tell me to go home and sleep, but because I'm stubborn, i do not. I compromise and go to the "sick room" in our school. Tired, i eat...and than sleep. Janelle comes to visit... and i sleep half way through period 2. Lazily i make my way down to English, only to sit in a desk and read. cause that was really important to go to.. After class Jerrim asks why the crap I'm not still sleeping. I go to Janelles, and because of lack of time i hadn't showered yet. I shower and she feeds me soup and decaf coffee as i hurry to do homework. I return for period 4, only to be caught again by jerrim and sent home not only by him, but by Eathan, Dana, Alan, Janelle, Mr. Mcmillan, Mrs. Budd, and Mrs. Anderson. Ethan gives me a ride to Janelles house, where i cozily begin to watch TV. I break it. Struggling for 20 min TRYING to figure out what happend...i have no success. Crying. I text Ethan....i broke it. He comes over and we struggle for another 10 min...and than learn it was on the wrong channel. It was about this time i'm starting to think...wow...i hate my life. .. He leaves, and there is no way i'm going to choir after school today. I turn the tv on...and fall asleep. Next thing i know, Ethan calls me to tell me to get up. I have a concert in 45 min. Have to be there in 30. I rush home, get changed. Phone call. "Can i catch a ride? " ...we're late already...sure. i arrive to Chantelleshouse. No answer. .......still. 5 min late. ....10 min late.... turns out she was already there. Stupid miscommunication. Wonderfull..I walk in to the performance JUST as we are about to start. I forgott my music. Perfect.... whatever. We head out to our second performance....tiredly i sing through our peices for the second time with as much facial expression i can handle. it ends. Jerrim once agian sends me home, don't need to help clean up equipment.

Tired. wow....yet through all that this is what i learned.

I have the most amazing friends in the world, that know when i'm not 100% and know when something is wrong. My friends will always be there for me, doing whatever they can...even when i'm being stubborn about it. Thank God for the blessing of friendships. Thank God for Christs love and strength. I know i didn't get through today alone. I had A LOT of help.

with that, i'm off. Good night...and God bless.
I'm glad today happend. It was a good Reality Check.

Julia.

Pure Joy.

High School Drama is muchly over-rated. By TV, Movies, Music... Your grade 12 year is portrayed as supposing to be perfect...you get the guy...you get the friends...everything comes together quite nicely in the end. But that's not reality. At least not mine. And I'm tired of it.

I wish people in my grade would grow up and realize the world does not revolve around them, that we're not in grade 5, and the reality is, you don't have to get along with everyone... Some people think that just because one thing went wrong..that everything is closing in around them, that God once again has forgotten about them and that they will never fit in anywhere...GROW UP!!! WELCOME TO REALITY! SURPRISE>... your not going to fit in everywhere you go. People will effing hate you...deal with it....people are going to be retarded...if you can't deal with it, it's your own fricken problem.

Personally....I'm not even dealing with anyone like..truly HATING my guts..and I'm so thankful. I couldn't handle it. People being mad at my best friends tho?...Ya..that ticks me off... Grow the eff up.... BACK OFF! and move on people. (C...O...L...) not going to finish that... GARR.

Someone said today that my life is perfect. That i don't deal with any hardships, that i must have everything figured out..."ya but Julia you come from a good home...Julia..everyone loves you...you can't have a big problem... You're happy all the time." ...... wanna bet? Here's a fricken run down of my life right now.

I lost one of my best friends to who knows what like what...2 months ago? ...will that friendship ever be the same? ..probably not. And yes, I hate myself for letting her go. yes..i said HATE... deal with it. My other best friends are bickering back and forth, One at least has the sense to realize its stupid ( thank God for Janelle) and my GUY best friend doesn't want to hear the first thing about Christ...he beaks me for my faith and i can't do anything about it but stand up...cause that does a lot of good. not convinced I'm not perfect? ... My Dad is clinically depressed, not that he'll get help for it. He's to selfish and stuck up for that kind of thing. He's tearing my mom down daily and all i can do is sit here and watch it happen. As a result, my mom thinks she does everything wrong because its never good enough for him. As a result of that, i wish they would just split up. Let my dad live alone. I don't even effing care. It would be good for my mom. she could start over... I'd help. They haven't been sleeping in the same room for about one and a half months now. I hate him for that. My dad never comes to anything i do. He's to lazy, he doesn't care about me...he's to angry at my sister...and he won't let go. My sister is doing who knows what with her life.....drinking who knows what..smoking whatever... My brother pretends like he doesn't see whats going on..when i know he does. I don't do homework... I'm behind in school.. my fault? yes. Yes i am made fun of daily, you don't see...but i am... Yes i was bullied when i first came to the comp. Yes i have gone to far with a guy, and Yes i regret it. I cry myself to sleep every night. Yes every night. I can't remember the last time i didn't, yet i tell everyone i'm fine. I'm good. I'm happy. ....i'm lieing.

This is the life i live. The life people see is my love for music, my busyness. You know why i stay busy? To keep my mind away from the effing crap going on at home. The more i'm away from home the better. if i could be involved in more..i would.

Yes i used to cut, i found other ways to. Yes i have wripped off toe nails. Yes you read it correctly. Yes i know it's grose. and yes it hurt... but so what. IT happend. Yes i'm over tired. Yes i ruin all friendships...somehow i manage to screw everything up. Yes i'm scared to get close to people. Yes i have dirty thoughts. Yes i have thought about bisexuality. No i'm not gay. But boy would it be easier ...boys are so dumb. Ruining girls the way most of them do. But no, i'm not Lez. People have thought i am yes...so what. So i like holding girls hands as we walk through the halls...DEAL WITH IT. Yes i take things out through music. and NO. I havn't finished a song since i moved to town. Why? becuase i fricken hate it in town. I have built to good of friendships. Yes i'm scared now...why? Because i know they will one day fall apart. ... like everything else. Name one relationsihp that hasn't been swwallowed into emptyness. Yes I love God with all my heart.. and no nothing will ever change that. YES i'm sick of our fricken school... tired of the fricken drama. And No, i'm not suicidal. Yes i have tried. Last Christmas Eve.... but God came to save lives... and i'm not going to take that gift away.

God is the one man who will never leave my side...he's the one person I can always rely on no matter who hurts me, no matter what people say to me, i can turn to him..when i need help. And he'll let me cry to him... thank goodness cuase he hears it a lot.

To Janelle and Juanita.
I love you both.
and i'm thankfull for the friendships we have created this year.
i hope they only grow.
and that we grow closer to God because of it.
thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for showing me that Pure Joy is not found in worldly things...
but in Christ, and Christ alone.



yes. I like pretty colors.
and yes. I am ninja.
deal with it.

Grad Rings

Holy cow...so many options!
what to do!!!! what to do!!!!

....pick one? okayy i guess that will work.

eeek.

I <3 Ninja

SO, this is how its going down people.

I AM NINJA! ...got it?
sweet deal.

just give me a few days to recover from my first ninja move, and I'll be out there again!...
so watch out...
cause ... I just might ninja attack you...
when you're not ready for it...

check it yo.

*sigh*

Ever had someone so close...you push them away? Than when they're in the distance you realize how their warmth felt nice when it was next to you...and now its gone? You can hear them in the distance. Faintly. Saying things you long to hear... but it's hard...so you move closer. With each step you hesitate, with each breathe you pause. eventually their beside you, you beside them. They whisper into your ear exactly what you need to hear at that point in time... and that's when you know.

You should never have let pushed them away in the first place...

GARRR....
*Sigh*
life....

Hateing

I hate homework.
I hate essays.
I hate Canadian history.
Because it's boring...

I hate reading bad books.
I hate stupid endings.
I hate not writing music
because my emotions build up...

I hate not seeing my dad
I hate how my parents act
I hate being far away from Alison
because I miss her to much....

I hate being invisible
I hate being dumb
I hate people who feel sorry for me
because they don't need to....

I hate not being strong enough
I hate letting my feelings show
I hate not being able to tell how I really feel
because it only hurts me more...

I hate not knowing whats coming next
I hate stupid relationships
because it tears people apart...

shouldn't they bring people together?

I hate waking up to an empty house
I hate seeing my mom when she is sad
I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do
because I know I can't help her...

I hate seeing my friends in pain
I hate being in pain, and not knowing why
I hate how I feel depressed all the time,
because I'm too ashamed to tell...

I hate not seeing the stars anymore
I hate how I feel in this house
I hate that I'm so confused all the time
because I don't know what to do...

I hate this.
I hate this feeling.
I hate this.
because I can't even cry...

....my mind wonders off sometimes....
...in its own direction...
...leaving me behind...
... again...confused...

First Date

So me and my bro went on a 'date' tonight. It was pretty fun yo. We saw this pro choir from alberta and they were super amazing! I was happy because he really liked it, and we don't really spend time together so it was fun to chill with him.

We also set up and decorated our tree this evening....weird. Snow has not even fallen, yet we set up the tree...doesn't feel right.... but whateves.

Missing Home

Stars shine brightly from out of town. In town their foggy, muffled, I can no longer see them. Hatred creeps up on me and this stupid pit of a town. Angry I go for a walk. A walk with God, a time of Peace. Cold. Tears dripped down the sides of my face which made me more angry. More tears. Calling out to God I wonder whats wrong with me. I just had a great night, but coming home to an empty house... a house with my things in it, yet is not my home..not comforting..not safe. What am I doing here. As I walk I continue to question whats happening to my friends, to me, to my family, and why. More tears. Colder. Where am I going? I turn around and find an elderly couple walking towards me. Embarrassed I cross the street and continue on my way. My fingers hurt from texting, my face burns from crying, my mouth yerns for water and yet I keep walking.

Sometimes i just need to hear 'I love you'.

Texting my old best friend was comforting. A little taste of home. If I lived there still he would have been walking beside me. But I am here, and he is there. We talk like the old days. Comforting. I let a few more tears down my face as I remember how much I truly miss my home and my old friends. I have awesome friends here... but it's different. Here, I'm a visiter. Never knowing where I belong... misplaced... unaware of whats happening. There, I'm at home. There I feel Safe. My mom phones me on my Cell and asks where I am. I should have been home by now. "Coming" I say with the most expression I could dare to put in to the single word.

Back to the house. Home? no...house. I have returned once again...like every other night... to a house with my things. With my Mom awake waiting...Dad asleep tired...and brother not home, hanging with friends.

How long until it feels like home? How long must I sit and wonder why these things happen? why people are angry with me? why i miss the stars......why i miss my old best friend so fricken much.... This was last night...today... I feel the same way..but can't escape it..for I am at school...Garr. Fricken school.

What happened to Respect?

So the other night my friend and I were walking home from Small groups, and these two little kids (kay like three years younger than us) kept calling us bit**es and saying F*** you. I was completly blown away....for real...Than yesterday I was with some friends that started to diss girls left and right...calling them whores and such. Get a fricken life. Do you have nothing better to do than to sit there and put other people down, just to make yourself look all high and mighty in your own eyes?
It makes me angry when people talk like this to/about girls OR guys! Why do you think there is such a problem with depression and self injury in our world today! If people would only just learn to respect eachother than people wouldn't have reason to do these things. You know it's a sad world when you can't even step outside without being called something crued. Grow up people. Act your own age. Learn Respect.