Pure Joy.

High School Drama is muchly over-rated. By TV, Movies, Music... Your grade 12 year is portrayed as supposing to be perfect...you get the guy...you get the friends...everything comes together quite nicely in the end. But that's not reality. At least not mine. And I'm tired of it.

I wish people in my grade would grow up and realize the world does not revolve around them, that we're not in grade 5, and the reality is, you don't have to get along with everyone... Some people think that just because one thing went wrong..that everything is closing in around them, that God once again has forgotten about them and that they will never fit in anywhere...GROW UP!!! WELCOME TO REALITY! SURPRISE>... your not going to fit in everywhere you go. People will effing hate you...deal with it....people are going to be retarded...if you can't deal with it, it's your own fricken problem.

Personally....I'm not even dealing with anyone like..truly HATING my guts..and I'm so thankful. I couldn't handle it. People being mad at my best friends tho?...Ya..that ticks me off... Grow the eff up.... BACK OFF! and move on people. (C...O...L...) not going to finish that... GARR.

Someone said today that my life is perfect. That i don't deal with any hardships, that i must have everything figured out..."ya but Julia you come from a good home...Julia..everyone loves you...you can't have a big problem... You're happy all the time." ...... wanna bet? Here's a fricken run down of my life right now.

I lost one of my best friends to who knows what like what...2 months ago? ...will that friendship ever be the same? ..probably not. And yes, I hate myself for letting her go. yes..i said HATE... deal with it. My other best friends are bickering back and forth, One at least has the sense to realize its stupid ( thank God for Janelle) and my GUY best friend doesn't want to hear the first thing about Christ...he beaks me for my faith and i can't do anything about it but stand up...cause that does a lot of good. not convinced I'm not perfect? ... My Dad is clinically depressed, not that he'll get help for it. He's to selfish and stuck up for that kind of thing. He's tearing my mom down daily and all i can do is sit here and watch it happen. As a result, my mom thinks she does everything wrong because its never good enough for him. As a result of that, i wish they would just split up. Let my dad live alone. I don't even effing care. It would be good for my mom. she could start over... I'd help. They haven't been sleeping in the same room for about one and a half months now. I hate him for that. My dad never comes to anything i do. He's to lazy, he doesn't care about me...he's to angry at my sister...and he won't let go. My sister is doing who knows what with her life.....drinking who knows what..smoking whatever... My brother pretends like he doesn't see whats going on..when i know he does. I don't do homework... I'm behind in school.. my fault? yes. Yes i am made fun of daily, you don't see...but i am... Yes i was bullied when i first came to the comp. Yes i have gone to far with a guy, and Yes i regret it. I cry myself to sleep every night. Yes every night. I can't remember the last time i didn't, yet i tell everyone i'm fine. I'm good. I'm happy. ....i'm lieing.

This is the life i live. The life people see is my love for music, my busyness. You know why i stay busy? To keep my mind away from the effing crap going on at home. The more i'm away from home the better. if i could be involved in more..i would.

Yes i used to cut, i found other ways to. Yes i have wripped off toe nails. Yes you read it correctly. Yes i know it's grose. and yes it hurt... but so what. IT happend. Yes i'm over tired. Yes i ruin all friendships...somehow i manage to screw everything up. Yes i'm scared to get close to people. Yes i have dirty thoughts. Yes i have thought about bisexuality. No i'm not gay. But boy would it be easier ...boys are so dumb. Ruining girls the way most of them do. But no, i'm not Lez. People have thought i am yes...so what. So i like holding girls hands as we walk through the halls...DEAL WITH IT. Yes i take things out through music. and NO. I havn't finished a song since i moved to town. Why? becuase i fricken hate it in town. I have built to good of friendships. Yes i'm scared now...why? Because i know they will one day fall apart. ... like everything else. Name one relationsihp that hasn't been swwallowed into emptyness. Yes I love God with all my heart.. and no nothing will ever change that. YES i'm sick of our fricken school... tired of the fricken drama. And No, i'm not suicidal. Yes i have tried. Last Christmas Eve.... but God came to save lives... and i'm not going to take that gift away.

God is the one man who will never leave my side...he's the one person I can always rely on no matter who hurts me, no matter what people say to me, i can turn to him..when i need help. And he'll let me cry to him... thank goodness cuase he hears it a lot.

To Janelle and Juanita.
I love you both.
and i'm thankfull for the friendships we have created this year.
i hope they only grow.
and that we grow closer to God because of it.
thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for showing me that Pure Joy is not found in worldly things...
but in Christ, and Christ alone.



yes. I like pretty colors.
and yes. I am ninja.
deal with it.