2009- new year resoulutions.

it is now 2009. My Graduating year. 6 months and i'm out. done. gone. away from all this confusion and mess of a life. Away from my amazing mother, and the love she pours into me.

With new year comes new problems, new awesomeness, new faith, new love, new delight, new fears, new success, new family(?), new friends. New life. a chance to start over, a chance to get things right, a chance to be loved, a chance to give love, a chance that i will learn.

but i will not make a new years resoulution. because new year resoulutions are dumb. they never last... but if i had to it would be this. I would let people in, further, maybe actually let someone get close enough to me that i would love them and they would love me. But i won't. Becasue new year resoulutions are dumb. maybe i would make new friends because i wanted to, go up to people and just talk, but i won't becasue new years resoulutions are dumb. Maybe i would do better in school, but who wants that? new year resoulutions are dumb.

Just another day. Just another chance to fail or succeed. Just another turn. another page in my book that God is so willingly writing. another day. another breath given as a gift. another breath wasted.

What will you do this new years?

stepping out of the box.

I live in a small town. A small town where in order to keep things fresh, you invent your own little games... . Last night is a prime example.

Pull up to a red light..me leaned back in the drivers seat, janelle driving from the passanger seat..telling me when to slow down and speed up. This is our first game. A car than pulls up beside us wanting to race... laughing we try. but suck.

As the night continues, we drift around town..playing tag with this unfamilar car..filled with three good looking guys. Who are older. And aware of our game. And enjoying. Almost as much as we are. haha...we continue..we almost die a few times due to my terrible driving, but the guys are still impressed "I've never seen any girl in this town even Attempt to drift..." one of them say...haha. Thanx : ) I feel awesome now. Janelle and I are awesome. Feeling good.

We talk...but don't give out our numbers...until we are driving...and are stoped beside eachother...than i stick it out the window..they role down theirs..( haha rolll down window..oldschool man) and take the crumpled piece of paper..embarrassed we drive away. They PHONE!!!!.. haha "Who are the numbers for?" ....pause...i hadn't thought this far haha...and neither had janelle...so we say we don't know... both having someone in mind..to shy to say it... "well i guess we'll just have to auction them off than" the boy says on the other end...Matt i now know his name is. Too funny.

IT was a good night...we drove around for like...3 hours? ..maybe even more... got their facebook...numbers... names.... haha.

we also went to the jam space which we have never done befoore.... mind you..we gave 4 drunk guys a ride there..but that is besides the point.. haha. it was still fun....

so needless to say.... last night.. i stepped out of the box. haha.

Fake smiles all around.

I hate it when people are fake. When they pretend the world is fantastic when it's not. When they pretend to be someone happy, someone full of life, someone with meaning...someone fake. None of us are falling for your charade...so put us out of our misary. At family get togethers, its like everyone has had their share of fake smiles. Might as well go around with a tray, passing them out...everyone has one. And those who don't feel out of place, so pick one up. All trying to out do eachother. Is it worth it? Probably not. Does that stop them? no.

Why is it that we feel like an outcast within the "comfort" of our own family.

Isn't it rich?Are we a pair?Me here at last on the ground,You in mid-air.Send in the clowns.
Isn't it bliss? Don't you approve?One who keeps tearing around,One who can't move.Where are the clowns?Send in the clowns.
Just when I'd stoppedOpening doors,Finally knowingThe one that I wanted was yours,Making my entrance againWith my usual flair,Sure of my lines,No one is there.
Don't you love farce?My fault, I fear.I thought that you'd want what I want - Sorry, my dear.But where are the clowns?There ought to be clowns.Quick, send in the clowns.
What a surprise.Who could foreseeI'd come to feel about you What you'd felt about me?Why only now when i see That you'd drifted away?What a surprise.What a cliché.
Isn't it rich?Isn't it queer?Losing my timing this lateIn my career?And where are the clowns?Quick, send in the clowns.Don't bother - they're here.

Christmas time is here...

SO it's Christmas eve and i'm sitting here thinking..wow..it sure doesn't feel like christmas. Weird how we feel things. it FEELS like monday...when its wednesday.. it FEELS like you don't care..when you do...it FEELS like the computer hates me...when it doesn't even have feelings. Anyway tomorrow is the big day. I've done all my shopping, wrapped all the gifts. I've spent to much money, but who hasn't this holiday season? For me i think this is why it doesn't feel like christmas.

i miss our huge window with the tree in front..looking out onto our deck and the beautiful view...here there is a house in our view. Wonderful. I miss the huge tree in our neighbours yard that is a peice of heavenly art work in the winter..spring..summer.. and fall. Here we have 2 huge trees in our front yard that just sit there taking up space. I miss our neighbours comming over to see if i can come sleding...here our neighbors are old, fragile, and creepy. I miss the setting of our house. I miss my home. Now more than ever i think. I don't know why.

Memories. Memories are interesting as well.. how certain things trigger them..like smells or songs... for intstance..when i smell an elephant ear i think of Disney land...when i hear the song Deathbed by Relient K i think of Breakforth. When i hear that something is brown i think of Janelle. When i Laugh i think of my mom and how her laugh has graciously past down to me. A gift really. I love it. All though sometimes it is TOO loud and i get in trouble or embarrass my self..thats okayy..becasue it reminds me of her. Memories. Whats your First memory? I don't even know. My first Christmas memory, was in wymark. Sleeping under the tree. Opening ODYESSY's ... excitement... comfort.

Comfort. What is Comfort? A temperary feeling..or Permanent. seems like Temperary... you never know what is going on in this life. Random movements you don't expect.

I am Blessed with Good friends however, and for that I am thankfull. Sorry..this has been pointless... just me rambling on. well..its 145am so maybe i'll go to bed and write again in the morning...good night..


me

Prayer.

God give me strength to defend myself against the patterns of this world. Help me with words to say to those i don't wish to hurt. Give me wisdom when i just don't know what to do anymore, and help me rely on you forever. Lord i can't do this alone. I've tried, I've failed. Please God help me through today, tomorrow, forever until i stand beside you on your thrown. Lord i want you to look at me and smile. Say "child.. you have done well." so God give me the strength to live for you now... help me smile and not regret. Lord forgive me. I have done wrong, i know i have. I don't deserve your mercy, your forgiveness. But lord please. I'm so sorry. I've let you down, i've let myself down. Forgive me God. This is my plea.

thank you for your christmas gift to us. Your son.
i love you.

Amen.

i'm thinking of not thinking anymore.

I don't know what to think... I honestly just don't know....

i love you.
i hate you.
i can't stop thinking about you.
i miss you.
i can't stop thinking about how much you hurt me
what you did.
i love you.

*sigh*

for real? again? now? why? i don't get it. Can't we just not talk? ever? you changed? promise? how do i know? you said that last time. Forgiveness? of course. second chance? i just don't know.

but i do know..
i love you.
still.

Vacation

today is the last day of school!

...thought you all should know.

ps...Alison Comes home in like 4 days!!! WOOOT